I drank entirely too much this weekend. Entirely. Too. Much. Wow.
I have company coming in town this weekend (which is another post in itself) so there will be more drinking. However, until then, I am abstaining from the adult beverages! Last summer I decided I was drinking incredibly too much and I took a one week vow of sobriety to focus on other things. I had come to the point where I drank every night. I didn’t originally do this, it all began when I moved away from the only home I had ever known and started over. In your twenty somethings it’s harder to make friends when you are working full time. I was depressed and started drinking yet when I made friends, I didn’t stop, I just had company. My one week was tougher than it probably should have been. I truly don’t think it was an addiction, I think it was habit. I tend to get in a pattern and I’m not great with chance. After my one week ended my health vastly improved. I only drank 2-3 times a week after that. In late September, my grandfather passed away and I was face to face with the father who abandoned me 14 years ago. I started drinking daily again. I have decided that my health, my bank account and my sanity must prevail here. It is out of hand, but I can change it. I have 100% faith in myself in this. I don’t crave a drink when I wake up or at lunch or even at night – it’s just a routine that I am stuck in. Today that changes. Wish me luck!
My friend E and I just finished watching the movie “Becoming Jane” based on the life of Jane Austen. I have read and enjoyed multiple novels of hers, as well as the movies that were made of them. I never knew her life story. I watched it unfold in this movie, starring Anne Hathaway(whom I adore). She encounters two marriage proposals which she turns down, because she does not love them. Then there is another, she truly loves him and accepts; only to decline upon discovering he was the sole income of his parents and siblings. Said income would disappear if they married. A strong woman she did the “right thing” and did not marry him. The end of the movie concludes with them crossing paths again. Jane Austen never married. A woman who had so many talents, loved and worshipped by many, died alone. To me, there is something just so sad and empty about her path. She wrote of such great romances while barely experiencing a brief memory of love herself. What if that is my future? I know I am only in my “mid to late twenties”, but I am getting scared. I will not marry without love or affection; but until this point I truly believed God had someone out there for me. Now I’m concerned. What if I walked away from someone I could have grown to love? What if I will be single all of my life? Is it time to compromise my dreams and hopes of what my love life will be? What is more valuable at the end, is it being married with out affection, or dying alone with my standards? I am petrified of not finding the love of my life. A mistake I always seem to make in my panic, is to go backwards. I feel that there is no one new, so I start sorting back through the old. The exes, in hindsight, seem a hell of a lot better than they did when I was in the past. I start to question if I made the correct decisions or if the relationship could be salvaged- why? Because I am afraid to be alone, that’s why.
Where does one find love? Do you really have to wait for it to come to you? I have been single for three years. There have been some “trysts” and some dates in between, but nothing lasting longer than a month. What, if anything, am I doing wrong here??
I truly do not know if I can. I am a “blabber mouth” a “tattle tale”, a “gossip.” Take your pick. I am all three. For some reason – people always tell me the good stuff, and when something is good it is damn hard to keep it to yourself. Am I right? Sometimes are better than others. There are some serious secrets that I have never told anyone. Other peoples secrets they have confided in me and I hold in side with NO urge to spill. Then there are the gossip secrets. Give me a margarita, martini or a bottle of wine and out comes the word vomit. I can’t help myself. The intention of starting this blog was to keep my anonymity. This begs the question, can I even keep my OWN secret? It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and I’ve almost slipped once. I caught myself quickly, but I truly don’t know how long it will last.
I guess I can be good at secrets – until someone turns on me – and then it all comes out. So basically if you have told me your secrets you better stay my friend – I’m a Scorpio, we are vengeful people!!
There are multiple forums to blog in. I don’t know about others, but I myself use them to make a point – usually to one or two “friends” that can read that blog. However, the fault lies in the lack of anonymity. They always know you wrote it – they can always quote you, exploit you, or worse, belittle you. So I am choosing a place of safe harbor. A home that is mine for my thoughts that no one can use against me. This is me – bare – emotional - raw. Maybe no one will ever read it, that’s OK – I’ll write it. I believe everyone has something amazing to say, there may only be ONE person out there that agrees. One person who hears or reads the voice of another and says “YES – that is what I have been thinking”. That is enough. Even if that person is the writer. If I am the only one that relates, so be it. I would rather relate to myself than anyone else out there. If you can’t relate to yourself, you are merely an observer, a shadow, a distant memory. So here is to relating to ones self.
