Two annoyances in my day

1. Is my mom. I know, I know, everyone can complain about their mom. I want you to know first and foremost that I love and adore my mother. She is a great mom and a great friend. The problem is that sometimes she crosses the daughter/friend line and lays things on me that I am not equipped to handle. I am sorry she is unhappy, but she has been for awhile. I understand depression is prevalent. It is for a good number of people. In the last two years I realized on my own that my depression was greatly relieved by my own ability to take action. I wanted to lay in bed, nap and bitch… but ultimately, what turned my life around was getting up and doing those things I bitched about. Being active, walking outside, and doing those stupid errands… they bring a form of relief in my opinion. So there you go, solution, but how does one tell their mother what to do? Answer; you don’t.

2. My friend J. J is driving me insane. Not only can she not remember her OWN damn schedule but she also has this whacked out sense of right and wrong. To this day, knowing her the amount of time that I have, I still can not decipher if her actions are completely naive, or completely malicious. It truthfully could go either way. She throws others under buses left and right, so you get pissed and think she has an agenda. Then, however, she throws HERSELF under a bus and you think, she’s just stupid!!! One can not know. I consider myself a good person, but I don’t feel the need to plan out my week to the point where I dont’ even know when I am sleeping. She is just so strange. J is a mystery to me. A mystery I must tolerate, but I don’t have to like all the time. Now is one of those times.

One gossip to another

Trust. It’s a tricky thing. I don’t know if I truly in my heart of hearts fully trust anyone. I feel like some people I have fully confided in have turned on me. Sometimes I see or hear things I am not supposed to and am irrevocably stung. There is nothing worse for me, then when someone attacks my character. I wonder why that is? Is it because I am insecure? Or is it because somewhere deep down I don’t think my character is all that great? I know I am flawed. I know I gossip, talk too much, sometimes take the jokes too far and judge others. Don’t we all have things we aren’t too proud of? I am always stunned when someone says something nice to or about me. I think I even pretend not to hear so they repeat it. I need that for some reason. Need it.

Friday someone attacked my character, it really hurt. But I do understand. Now I’m worried they are off with someone else attacking my character. I guess what it comes down to, is I know myself. If I can sit with my friend and badmouth others, who is to say they aren’t out there badmouthing me? So really, I have no one to blame but myself. Fabulous.

Can I kick the apple AWAY from the tree?

My biological father…. is a sociopath. Sociopath to some (myself included) basically means that he is incredibly immoral and only associates with others to further his own agenda. Jeff is manipulative, charismatic and lacks a conscience.

I have witnessed senseless lies he tells, as have others. He would often talk of when he played football for Alabama. False. He barely made it through the University of South Alabama – and that is because his girlfriend, my mother, did his homework. A deplorable lie he also tells, he is a former Marine and war veteran. Deplorable and sickening  considering his own father actually served in the air force on an air craft carrier off the waters of Japan in World War II.

When I was merely 13 years old, my father told me he could not see me do to work restraints; he never called me again. Two months later I discovered through my grandparents said “work restraints” was that of a new marriage, a new family, and a new home, guess who didn’t fit in the new group photo? At 18 when I tried to reconnect with Jeff I was informed that the relationship ended due to my actions. All he had ever done was try to be my father and all I had ever done was hurt him. Sure, ok, I was 13 dude, man up. I saw him for the first time since I was 13 literally over my grandfather’s dead body when he passed. The one thing “my father” said to me that day was “take care.”

Do I have resentment? Hell yes I do. I don’t necessarily wish any harm on him, I don’t think I have to – karma, God, Buddha, the Universe, whatever you believe in, it will take care of him.

My concern is genes. I’m not talking Lucky, Se7en, Citizens of Humanity, Paige, etc, I’m talking DNA.  The most disheartening fact about this man being my biological father, is that I am half him. How far from the tree can I distance myself? Is there still a force that will pull me back? I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic and caring individual. I think of others before I act and before I speak on most occasions, I don’t lie about my past, present or future. I will tell anyone straight up I used to chase boy bands in high school, and it was a freaking good time. Is it better to have done drugs and been in jail? If I have a problem with you, you know what it is. I try my best to be a good person. Striving to handle oneself with grace can be a challenge for all, but for me I succeeded at my grandfather’s funeral. I never told Jeff what I thought of him. I never corrected all of his friends that believed his lies of who I was or why I was not an active member of the family. I simply stated the fact when asked my identity, ” I am Jeff’s eldest daughter.” He can cover his ass later. Would I have LOVED to have told his boss, his receptionist, his WIFE what he did to me? How he made me feel like I was unworthy of love? You bet your ass I did. However, while there would have been EXTREME satisfaction in the aftermath, what have I done but fed his lies about my character? Was it better to hold my head high and respect myself, and hide a glimmer of hope so deep inside the depths of my heart that it is no longer shown or my weakness? A hope that there will be one minuscule shred of that man, somewhere in the organ one can barely characterize as a heart, even if its his last breath, that regrets and then reaches out to know the child he so selfishly turned down. Your loss, because guess what Jeff, she’s a pretty damned amazing woman. 

I fail, but with grace and then…… there’s politics!

So I had some wine last night. My new neighbor came downstairs carrying a bottle and a half with her to hang out. So I said screw it – whatever – NEW RULE! No drinking ALONE! So let’s see what the record will be for me breaking THAT one.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it, kind of like a business trip to Vegas. My “former” stepmother is coming to see me. I have not seen her since she and my father divorced 14 years ago. I was in middle school (junior high to some). Now I haven’t seen my father since either – but one or two times – his choice. He’s a shitty father, and well a shitty person. He is the very definition of a sociopath. Anyway, he cheated on R(my former stepmother) and she left him. She and I just recently reconnected about a month ago(via myspace and facebook), and now she is flying out to stay with me for three days. (4 days 3 nights technically). I’m not quite sure what to do with that. I think I remember slightly her getting on my nerves when I was 12. But she is sweet and good hearted and wants SO badly to know me now. We’ll see how this goes.

On another note – politics. I was SO excited that Hillary did well last night. And I am not even a democrat. If it came down to it I would vote for her over Obama. He frightens me. My little brother said it best “young people are flocking to Obama like sheep to the slaughter.” He is an amazing public speaker, amazing, very charismatic, charming and passionate – but about WHAT I ask? I know I know I know “hope and change” “Changing the world”, and etc etc etc.

Well Mr. Obama – I call Bull Shit.

I fail

I give up on anonymity – I’m not good at it. I won’t tell anyone about my blog – but if they find it – good for them. It is just too hard for me to keep my mouth shut!

Can I keep my own secret?

I truly do not know if I can. I am a “blabber mouth” a “tattle tale”, a “gossip.” Take your pick. I am all three. For some reason – people always tell me the good stuff, and when something is good it is damn hard to keep it to yourself. Am I right? Sometimes are better than others. There are some serious secrets that I have never told anyone. Other peoples secrets they have confided in me and I hold in side with NO urge to spill. Then there are the gossip secrets. Give me a margarita, martini or a bottle of wine and out comes the word vomit. I can’t help myself. The intention of starting this blog was to keep my anonymity. This begs the question, can I even keep my OWN secret? It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and I’ve almost slipped once. I caught myself quickly, but I truly don’t know how long it will last.

I guess I can be good at secrets – until someone turns on me – and then it all comes out. So basically  if you have told me your secrets you better stay my friend – I’m a Scorpio, we are vengeful people!!