Can I kick the apple AWAY from the tree?

My biological father…. is a sociopath. Sociopath to some (myself included) basically means that he is incredibly immoral and only associates with others to further his own agenda. Jeff is manipulative, charismatic and lacks a conscience.

I have witnessed senseless lies he tells, as have others. He would often talk of when he played football for Alabama. False. He barely made it through the University of South Alabama – and that is because his girlfriend, my mother, did his homework. A deplorable lie he also tells, he is a former Marine and war veteran. Deplorable and sickening  considering his own father actually served in the air force on an air craft carrier off the waters of Japan in World War II.

When I was merely 13 years old, my father told me he could not see me do to work restraints; he never called me again. Two months later I discovered through my grandparents said “work restraints” was that of a new marriage, a new family, and a new home, guess who didn’t fit in the new group photo? At 18 when I tried to reconnect with Jeff I was informed that the relationship ended due to my actions. All he had ever done was try to be my father and all I had ever done was hurt him. Sure, ok, I was 13 dude, man up. I saw him for the first time since I was 13 literally over my grandfather’s dead body when he passed. The one thing “my father” said to me that day was “take care.”

Do I have resentment? Hell yes I do. I don’t necessarily wish any harm on him, I don’t think I have to – karma, God, Buddha, the Universe, whatever you believe in, it will take care of him.

My concern is genes. I’m not talking Lucky, Se7en, Citizens of Humanity, Paige, etc, I’m talking DNA.  The most disheartening fact about this man being my biological father, is that I am half him. How far from the tree can I distance myself? Is there still a force that will pull me back? I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic and caring individual. I think of others before I act and before I speak on most occasions, I don’t lie about my past, present or future. I will tell anyone straight up I used to chase boy bands in high school, and it was a freaking good time. Is it better to have done drugs and been in jail? If I have a problem with you, you know what it is. I try my best to be a good person. Striving to handle oneself with grace can be a challenge for all, but for me I succeeded at my grandfather’s funeral. I never told Jeff what I thought of him. I never corrected all of his friends that believed his lies of who I was or why I was not an active member of the family. I simply stated the fact when asked my identity, ” I am Jeff’s eldest daughter.” He can cover his ass later. Would I have LOVED to have told his boss, his receptionist, his WIFE what he did to me? How he made me feel like I was unworthy of love? You bet your ass I did. However, while there would have been EXTREME satisfaction in the aftermath, what have I done but fed his lies about my character? Was it better to hold my head high and respect myself, and hide a glimmer of hope so deep inside the depths of my heart that it is no longer shown or my weakness? A hope that there will be one minuscule shred of that man, somewhere in the organ one can barely characterize as a heart, even if its his last breath, that regrets and then reaches out to know the child he so selfishly turned down. Your loss, because guess what Jeff, she’s a pretty damned amazing woman.