I miss my Mom

My mom has always been my best friend. Most people see/hear that and say “oh that’s so sweet”, without discovering the downfall. Think. Best friends tell EACH OTHER everything. While it is great to have my Mom as a confidant to talk to, it is NOT so great to be my Mom’s confidante.  I don’t believe children should have to hear about their parents complaint about the other spouse, or their siblings. Am I wrong? It is the parents job to listen, to help solve problems. I am not saying I have issues listening to my mother, only saying I think there is a definite line of where that should stop.

My Mom has recently developed a drinking problem. Maybe not so recently, I am not sure, I haven’t lived at home for four years; but recently is when I have become aware. I think there are different kinds of drinking problems. She doesn’t necessarily have an addiction, she can go without drinking, but when she does… she is hateful.

Normally my mother and I talk multiple times in the day. Last week, drunk, she screamed at me and told me not to call her until she got home from her trip. She went to visit family and came back today. The last time I talked to her was a week ago today. That is so bizarre to me. I know I am in my twenties and completely self sufficient, however I miss her. I didn’t realize just how dependent I became on her. This is the longest we haven’t talked. I am waiting until she calls me. I just hope I don’t have to wait too long. I miss my mom.

Loss of a family pet

Our family cat will be put to sleep at 4:30pm today. I haven’t lived with her for almost 4 years, since I moved out of my parents home, but I miss her just the same. We got Angel, our siamese, when I was 9. I remember wanting a kitten so bad. Everytime Mom and Dad would leave I would be hoping they would come home with one, I would run out to the garage door opening with high hopes. I remember going to get Angel. We went in our family’s Volvo Station wagon that was a reddish/maroon with tan leather interior. A lady had two siamese kittens in a cage, a boy and a girl, we wanted the girl. As we left it started to rain and I remember my mom putting the kitten under her jacket. I also have a fond memory of Angel pushing her little head out from beneath the jacket. One of my favorite pictures is of my mom rocking my little sister to sleep, and a tiny little Angel sleeping in the crook of her arm. I used to pick her up and take her to my room to lay with me on my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag. She wasn’ t always the friendliest, but she was incredibly loyal. Angel always wanted to go outside and would seek out opportunities. I have no idea how many times the neighbors called us to ask if that was Angel in the bushes outside. I remember once I was going to get the mail and I walked out front, and there was Angel, outside sitting on the porch and she just meowed out me. Out, but came back, victorious. As we got dogs, she got older, and resentful of said dogs, understandably so. She became my brother Trevor’s cat. When Trevor would not be home you cuuld hear her howling looking for him. I think Trevor will miss Angel the most. She is down to 2.5 pounds, skin and bones, not eating and hardly walking, it’s her time. Selfishly I wish it wasn’t. It’s just not the end of a beloved family pet, it’s the end of an era in my family that I enjoyed and cherished. That cat has a ton of memories attached to her, 17 years worth. We love you Angel.

Two annoyances in my day

1. Is my mom. I know, I know, everyone can complain about their mom. I want you to know first and foremost that I love and adore my mother. She is a great mom and a great friend. The problem is that sometimes she crosses the daughter/friend line and lays things on me that I am not equipped to handle. I am sorry she is unhappy, but she has been for awhile. I understand depression is prevalent. It is for a good number of people. In the last two years I realized on my own that my depression was greatly relieved by my own ability to take action. I wanted to lay in bed, nap and bitch… but ultimately, what turned my life around was getting up and doing those things I bitched about. Being active, walking outside, and doing those stupid errands… they bring a form of relief in my opinion. So there you go, solution, but how does one tell their mother what to do? Answer; you don’t.

2. My friend J. J is driving me insane. Not only can she not remember her OWN damn schedule but she also has this whacked out sense of right and wrong. To this day, knowing her the amount of time that I have, I still can not decipher if her actions are completely naive, or completely malicious. It truthfully could go either way. She throws others under buses left and right, so you get pissed and think she has an agenda. Then, however, she throws HERSELF under a bus and you think, she’s just stupid!!! One can not know. I consider myself a good person, but I don’t feel the need to plan out my week to the point where I dont’ even know when I am sleeping. She is just so strange. J is a mystery to me. A mystery I must tolerate, but I don’t have to like all the time. Now is one of those times.

One gossip to another

Trust. It’s a tricky thing. I don’t know if I truly in my heart of hearts fully trust anyone. I feel like some people I have fully confided in have turned on me. Sometimes I see or hear things I am not supposed to and am irrevocably stung. There is nothing worse for me, then when someone attacks my character. I wonder why that is? Is it because I am insecure? Or is it because somewhere deep down I don’t think my character is all that great? I know I am flawed. I know I gossip, talk too much, sometimes take the jokes too far and judge others. Don’t we all have things we aren’t too proud of? I am always stunned when someone says something nice to or about me. I think I even pretend not to hear so they repeat it. I need that for some reason. Need it.

Friday someone attacked my character, it really hurt. But I do understand. Now I’m worried they are off with someone else attacking my character. I guess what it comes down to, is I know myself. If I can sit with my friend and badmouth others, who is to say they aren’t out there badmouthing me? So really, I have no one to blame but myself. Fabulous.

Finally Friday, It’s too hot for March, and other random crap

So it’s Friday, thankfully. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me, sometimes life seems like a consistent alternation of Mondays and Fridays. Maybe it is because those are the only two days we really stop and say - hey - This sucks, or Finally! I just know that my mood always improves Friday afternoon. I am going home and going to relax, drink, and have no worries about my state in the morning because hell, it doesn’t matter. Sadly this Saturday I will be on-call for work. Bummer. So my day will be check in with work, nap, check in with work, tv, and repeat. You get the drill.

On top of the greatness that is Friday is the crappiness that is Texas weather, it’s over 90 degrees outside, it’s mid March people!!! Spring break time - not SUMMER, schools out time. Yuck. Too hot for me, I like the cold. I save money on heating (dont’ do it that much) and I love sitting in my sweats, I think it’s just better.

I want to get a pedicure REALLY badly - but sometimes it’s embarrassing. I mean, must we feel intimidated by the people scrubbing our feet? I don’t know why, but several people do. They are talking in another language and you KNOW it is about you. Or worse, they talk in your language, and say to your face it’s about you. I suppose I could do my own, but where is the relaxation in that?

I have been hanging out with my new neighbor C alot - and I love it! I missed being in a “community”. My last apartment, no one socialized with anyone, it was very closed off and cold. Now that I am in my condo, I have met people, said hi, and had multiple conversations, plus a new friend. It’s very convenient to be friends with someone who lives upstairs. I can’t figure myself out - I tend to think I’m very dependent but I always end up wanting someone over to hang out - does this mean I need a boyfriend? I have no idea where to “meet one”. I am too damn tired after work to go anywhere. Well crap. Endless Cycle here I come.

WHAT

Does it take to get a comment around here? Yeesh.

Can I kick the apple AWAY from the tree?

My biological father…. is a sociopath. Sociopath to some (myself included) basically means that he is incredibly immoral and only associates with others to further his own agenda. Jeff is manipulative, charismatic and lacks a conscience.

I have witnessed senseless lies he tells, as have others. He would often talk of when he played football for Alabama. False. He barely made it through the University of South Alabama - and that is because his girlfriend, my mother, did his homework. A deplorable lie he also tells, he is a former Marine and war veteran. Deplorable and sickening  considering his own father actually served in the air force on an air craft carrier off the waters of Japan in World War II.

When I was merely 13 years old, my father told me he could not see me do to work restraints; he never called me again. Two months later I discovered through my grandparents said “work restraints” was that of a new marriage, a new family, and a new home, guess who didn’t fit in the new group photo? At 18 when I tried to reconnect with Jeff I was informed that the relationship ended due to my actions. All he had ever done was try to be my father and all I had ever done was hurt him. Sure, ok, I was 13 dude, man up. I saw him for the first time since I was 13 literally over my grandfather’s dead body when he passed. The one thing “my father” said to me that day was “take care.”

Do I have resentment? Hell yes I do. I don’t necessarily wish any harm on him, I don’t think I have to - karma, God, Buddha, the Universe, whatever you believe in, it will take care of him.

My concern is genes. I’m not talking Lucky, Se7en, Citizens of Humanity, Paige, etc, I’m talking DNA.  The most disheartening fact about this man being my biological father, is that I am half him. How far from the tree can I distance myself? Is there still a force that will pull me back? I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic and caring individual. I think of others before I act and before I speak on most occasions, I don’t lie about my past, present or future. I will tell anyone straight up I used to chase boy bands in high school, and it was a freaking good time. Is it better to have done drugs and been in jail? If I have a problem with you, you know what it is. I try my best to be a good person. Striving to handle oneself with grace can be a challenge for all, but for me I succeeded at my grandfather’s funeral. I never told Jeff what I thought of him. I never corrected all of his friends that believed his lies of who I was or why I was not an active member of the family. I simply stated the fact when asked my identity, ” I am Jeff’s eldest daughter.” He can cover his ass later. Would I have LOVED to have told his boss, his receptionist, his WIFE what he did to me? How he made me feel like I was unworthy of love? You bet your ass I did. However, while there would have been EXTREME satisfaction in the aftermath, what have I done but fed his lies about my character? Was it better to hold my head high and respect myself, and hide a glimmer of hope so deep inside the depths of my heart that it is no longer shown or my weakness? A hope that there will be one minuscule shred of that man, somewhere in the organ one can barely characterize as a heart, even if its his last breath, that regrets and then reaches out to know the child he so selfishly turned down. Your loss, because guess what Jeff, she’s a pretty damned amazing woman. 

What happens when “Mr. Hope” looses his cool?

That is the question I am posing. My neighbor C brought it to my attention. We have not seen an “angry Barack Obama” yet. What happens when he is under pressure and things aren’t going his way? Well so far, it appears his staff shows the first signs of slow unravel. First there was the NAFTA issue which some are blaming for Obama’s loss of Ohio, number one stupid mistake of “Team Hope” staff member. And published today we see yet another staff member’s seams are appearing to loosen. Samantha Power, Mr Obama’s key foreign policy aide, let the pressure get the best of her and the truth of character revealed itself.

In London at an interview with the Scotsman she was quoted as saying

“We f***** up in Ohio. In Ohio, they are obsessed and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio’s the only place they can win”

“She is a monster, too - that is off the record - she is stooping to anything,” (quote taken from http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/latestnews/Inside-US-poll-battle-as.3854371.jp  )

I am sure Mr. Obama’s campaign is squeaky clean and is not stooping to ANY sort of the political shenanigans they are accusing Clinton of. (Please note that was sarcasm). All they have to fight on is that she has not yet released her tax returns. Yes, that is REALLY going to change my vote, how Bill and Hill did their taxes this year. I mean the horrors.

Keep careful vigil folks, pressure brings out the truth in people, it’s time to observe and listen for another seam to rip from the “Hope Fabric”.

I fail, but with grace and then…… there’s politics!

So I had some wine last night. My new neighbor came downstairs carrying a bottle and a half with her to hang out. So I said screw it - whatever - NEW RULE! No drinking ALONE! So let’s see what the record will be for me breaking THAT one.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it, kind of like a business trip to Vegas. My “former” stepmother is coming to see me. I have not seen her since she and my father divorced 14 years ago. I was in middle school (junior high to some). Now I haven’t seen my father since either - but one or two times - his choice. He’s a shitty father, and well a shitty person. He is the very definition of a sociopath. Anyway, he cheated on R(my former stepmother) and she left him. She and I just recently reconnected about a month ago(via myspace and facebook), and now she is flying out to stay with me for three days. (4 days 3 nights technically). I’m not quite sure what to do with that. I think I remember slightly her getting on my nerves when I was 12. But she is sweet and good hearted and wants SO badly to know me now. We’ll see how this goes.

On another note - politics. I was SO excited that Hillary did well last night. And I am not even a democrat. If it came down to it I would vote for her over Obama. He frightens me. My little brother said it best “young people are flocking to Obama like sheep to the slaughter.” He is an amazing public speaker, amazing, very charismatic, charming and passionate - but about WHAT I ask? I know I know I know “hope and change” “Changing the world”, and etc etc etc.

Well Mr. Obama - I call Bull Shit.

I fail

I give up on anonymity - I’m not good at it. I won’t tell anyone about my blog - but if they find it - good for them. It is just too hard for me to keep my mouth shut!